Sermons from the Church of Orochi
by captainspoon
Summary: The Holy Rollin' Goenitz invites one and all to listen to the true message of Orochi
1. Default Chapter

Sermons from the Church of Orochi- part one.  
  
A normal looking church, in the outskirts of Southtown. But this is no ordinary church, as it is here that viewers at home are "treated" to the weekly preachings of the Holy Rollin' Goenitz, on behalf of the Church of Orochi.  
  
Inside, we see Goenitz, dressed for the part in a white suit and sunglasses. He is enjoying a pre sermon spliff, before being called out by Shermie. Shermie is dressed in US trailer trash style, boob tube, hotpants and cowboy boots.  
  
Shermie- Hey, Goenitz. Your on.  
  
Goenitz- Sure, I'll be right out. (finishes joint) Is the choir ready?  
  
Shermie- Yeah.  
  
Goenitz steps out to his pulpit. There is the "Book of Orochi" (actually a disguised phone book, Goenitz makes shit up as he goes along) in the centre, and a large picture of him in a Christlike "Come to me my children" pose at the back. Shermie stands there looking sexy, which is all that's really required of her. At one side, a bunch of kids with horrible pudding bowl haircuts sing hymns praising Goenitz. Perhaps a result of the spliff, or maybe Orochi fever, but Goenitz's sermons are fucking mad.  
  
Goenitz- Welcome brethren! Welcome to another insightful sermon from your host. The Holy Rollin' Goenitz. Gimme a Hallelujah!  
  
The crowd respond, out of fear of what he'll do if they don't.  
  
Goenitz- That's what I like to hear. Now let me tell you, children, I am quite clearly high. High on the power of our lord and saviour, the almighty Orochi! He's enlarged my mind, man! When you're stoned on Orochi, you will, like me, smell the sounds, hear the colours and see multiple Brian Battlers flying around your living room! Gimme a hail Goenitz!  
  
Shermie- Oh Kay. Maybe pre show drugs aren't a good idea.  
  
Goenitz slaps Shermie across the face.  
  
Goenitz- Dammit bitch! Drugs bring us closer to Him. I'd like to remind you, brethren that before surrendering her soul to Orochi, Shermie spent her nights table dancing in the Spearmint Rhino, living in sin! Now,thanks to His divine influence, she spends her nights table dancing on my desk! Uhh... in the name of Orochi of course.  
  
He now decides it's time to get the congregation to say a few prayers in honour of Orochi.  
  
Goenitz- And now brethren. It is time for us to say a few prayers to our lord. To take the time to thank him for all the great stuff in the world. The Christina Aguilera "Dirrty" video, really fast cars that use up a shitload of gas...  
  
Chris- Has he been at the crack pipe again?  
  
Goenitz- Of course, the wonderful drugs, the King of Fighters videogame series. But please, brethren. Don't blame the almighty Orochi for the awful 2001...  
  
Chris- KOF 2001 wasn't THAT bad.  
  
Our preacher is now furious.  
  
Goenitz- SINNER! BLASPHEMER! Don't you ever talk like that again!  
  
He summons a large tornado, which lifts the boy twenty feet into the air, before he crashes down arse first on the floor.  
  
Goenitz- Repent sinner! Cease thy unholy ways!  
  
Chris- OW! Okay!  
  
The Holy Rollin' Goenitz gets over this minor disagreement to make an appeal to the congregation.  
  
Goenitz- Now, unfortunately, it's that time again, brethren. We once again need your money, to increase the influence of our lord. See, what we wanna do this week is to launch a big fucking nuclear missile and blow up the moon. It'll be great, positive proof of Orochi's superiority over mother nature! Gimme an Amen!  
  
The worshippers are sick of paying big money every week for Goenitz's mad schemes. Last week, they found themselves paying for his plan to knock down Ryo's dojo, and build a 2000ft gold statue of Goenitz in it's place. On the pulpit, we see Chris carrying an oversized collection box.  
  
Chris- Can I keep some of the money? Just a bit?  
  
Goenitz- NO! I need that to pay off King, so's she won't sue over...(realises that he has an audience) I mean for this week's grand plan. Now go, you have money to collect!  
  
He kicks Chris off the pulpit,who goes around collecting worshippers hard earned money.  
  
Goenitz- And for those considering being stingy with their money, look up toward that balcony.  
  
They look up to see Yashiro manning an M60 machine gun. Needless to say, everyone gives very generously.  
  
As Chris collects the money, Goenitz calls up an audience member. It is Kyo Kusanagi, KOF champion and hero.  
  
Goenitz- Step up here, son. I wanna carry out a little test of faith. Do you have faith...  
  
Kyo- No, I'm just here 'cause someone said there's free wine later.  
  
Goenitz- Let me finish you little shit! Do you have faith? If, let's say, caught in a powerful SDM, would you trust in the almighty Orochi to preserve you, or would you be screaming and crying like a little girl?  
  
Kyo- What kind of retarded priest are you?  
  
Goenitz- Let us find out, brethren, if young Kyo here has faith.  
  
Kyo- WHAT!  
  
Suddenly, Goenitz performs his MAX power "Shinyaotome Jittsouko" super combo on Kyo. The KOF hero is screaming his head off and weeping loudly. After finishing up, Goenitz once again adresses the crowd.  
  
Goenitz- You see children of Orochi, you gotta have faith. Gimme a Hail Goenitz!  
  
Shermie- Ooh, that's gotta hurt.  
  
End of part one. The Holy Rollin' Goenitz's sermons will continue, after an interval involving cheap wine, crap wafers and more money collected to pay to keep this sermon on air. 


	2. chapter 2

Sermons from the Church of Orochi- part two.  
  
The end a fifteen minute interval, where Goenitz and Shermie went down to the crypt for a quick shag. The Holy Rollin' Goenitz returns to his flock, caught up in a righteous fever. Shermie wishes he'd let her be more involved in the show.  
  
Goenitz- Welcome back brethren! I hope the short break was as pleasant for you as it was for me. Now, I have some bad news. Two weeks ago, two of our more respected brethren were "arrested", so the authorities say. Vice and Yamazaki were captured by the Devil in human form. A man who has made no secret of his mission to destroy our weird cult, uh I mean loving church. And the Devil's work is aided by an Orochi bitch traitor. Chris, get the video ready.  
  
Chris- Why me?  
  
Goenitz hits him.  
  
Goenitz- Because you're small and I'm big. Therefore, it is my Orochi given right to order you around you little shit.  
  
Chris drags a TV/VCR set across the pulpit. Switching it on, we see who Goenitz is referring to as "the Devil in human form" It's Heidern, and the Orochi traitor is his adopted daughter Leona. They have caught Vice and Yamazaki trying to assasinate the Mayor of Southtown, and are interrogating them.  
  
Heidern- You will tell us everything about your group's plans!  
  
Vice- Go fuck yourself, cyclops.  
  
Leona- We have ways of making you talk.  
  
Yamazaki- Ooh, scary! (sarcasm)  
  
Leona- Shall we, daddy?  
  
Heidern- Yeah, in 10 minutes, they'll be screaming to tell us everything.  
  
Vice- Wanna bet? You have to turn us to the Southtown police soon.  
  
Yamazaki- You can't touch us, and know it. Southtown police are wussies.  
  
In response, Leona pulls out their instrument of torture. It is a "Daphne and Celeste" CD.  
  
Leona- Right, we lock you in a dark, soundproof room. With this on inside!  
  
Both Orochis (in tears)- NOOO! NOT THAT! WE'LL TALK! WE'LL DO ANYTHING!  
  
Back to the sermon. The Holy Rollin' Goenitz is furious.  
  
Goenitz- See how they torture innocent Orochi brethren! Men and women who's only "crime" is to follow the true path to salvation! I demand that Heidern be tried as a war criminal...  
  
Shermie interrupts mid rant.  
  
Shermie- Uh, Goenitz.  
  
Goenitz- Not now. You're insatiable.  
  
Shermie- I'm not here about sex. But Vice and Yamazaki escaped from Southtown prison. Mature told me they led a mass breakout, and are laying low in Brazil for a while.  
  
Goenitz- It's obviously a lie. She's been brainwashed by the authorities. By the Devil Heidern!  
  
Shermie- No, it's true. She gave me this photo.  
  
The photo shows Vice and Yamazaki leading a horde of criminals busting out of prison. They carry stolen police weapons.  
  
Goenitz- Uh, pictues can be faked you know. Where is Mature anyway?  
  
Shermie- She stayed at home. Something about a "Party of Five" afternoon.  
  
Goenitz- Remind me to have her destroyed by the fury of our lord Orochi. Gimme a Hallelujah!  
  
Another interruption. This time, it's the sound of machinegun fire. Goenitz turns and sees three of the congregation dead. He looks up to Yashiro, operating the M60.  
  
Goenitz- Yashiro! What have I told you about killing the flock whilst we're on air?!  
  
Yashiro- I can explain. The guy in the back's wearing an Iori Yagami T shirt...  
  
Goenitz- Fair enough. Carry on.  
  
Yashiro- The woman on the edge put Lithuanian coins into the collection box, and the other one said something about you being a money grabbing lunatic.  
  
Goenitz turns to the rest of his congregation, and addresses them once again.  
  
Goenitz- And so you see brethren! The fate of those who would defy our lord and saviour Orochi! Brother Yashiro, you are forgiven. Gimme a Hail Goenitz!  
  
Yashiro- Yeah, whatever. How much longer's this shit gonna take?  
  
Shermie- Yeah, this is getting boring.  
  
Goenitz- Shut up! I will take as long as it takes to spread the message of Orochi to the unwashed masses! Besides, the networks have to fill up the sunday mornings with something.  
  
End of part two. How will the sermon of the Holy Rollin' Goenitz go next? Do CYS even give a flying fuck? Find out in part three. 


	3. chapter 3

Sermons from the Church of Orochi- part three.  
  
After the death of three worshippers, the Holy Rollin' Goenitz decides it's time to move to a more positive side to the Orochi message.  
  
Goenitz- And now brethren. Comes the time when I share with you a story. A true tale of the Children of Orochi. Gimme an Amen!  
  
Chris- Oh no! Not another fucking "Children of Orochi" story. They suck.  
  
Shermie- Yeah. He pretends to read through that phone book, whilst making up some shitty story that makes no sense.  
  
Goenitz goes up to the "Book of Orochi", a badly disguised Southtown phone book. He opens it on the weird sex stuff pages, whilst trying to form a story for his flock in his head.  
  
Goenitz- Once upon a time, true beleivers. Back in nineteen ninety... uhh something. Dates don't much matter, Orochi is eternal...  
  
Chris- Just admit there's no story. Again.  
  
Goenitz- Quiet! Do you want me to summon the power of our lord to destroy you!?  
  
Chris- I dare you, you old fart.  
  
The Holy Rollin' Goenitz carries on with his improvised story for the masses.  
  
Goenitz- Anyway, the Children of Orochi all entered a fighting tournament called the King of Fighters...  
  
Shermie- And we all lost badly, due to an incompetent old geriatric leading us! The end.  
  
Goenitz is furious at the constant interruptions. He turns angrily to Shermie and Chris.  
  
Goenitz- DAMMIT! It's weak, heathen like you who got our arses kicked in KOF!  
  
Yashiro- Leave my partners alone!  
  
Goenitz- And you're no better either!  
  
Yashiro- Shut up! I've got the M60.  
  
Goenitz summons a tornado, which destroys the gun, and knocks Yashiro from the balcony. He lands hard.  
  
Goenitz- I'm surrounded by unbeleivers! You guys interrupting the message, Mature not even bothered to show up, again. When our lord Orochi arrives, all unbelievers will suffer painful everlasting doom caued by hellfire, sharp objects, Adam Sandler movies, whilst I the Holy Rollin' Goenitz sit in the lap of luxury laughing at you all! HA HA HA...  
  
This mad ranting is interrupted by a crash through the window. Heidern and Leona swing through, action hero style on ropes.  
  
Heidern- Alright Goenitz! Give yourself up! Come quietly and maybe we won't have to injure you this time.  
  
Goenitz(playing up for the camera)- Ah ha! The Dark One has arrived! With the traitor to the Orochi cause!  
  
Heidern(to Leona)- What's he on about?  
  
Leona- He's convinced that you're the Devil. And that I'm some sort of Judas.  
  
Heidern- Right. I see why you quit this cult. Where's Ralf by the way?  
  
Leona- He went over to Mature's place. Something about a "Party of Five" marathon. Said they were showing the one where Neve Campbell looks sexy, and Jenifer Love Hewitt talks in an annoying voice.  
  
Heidern- That could be any episode.  
  
Goenitz- Enough! Let the final battle of good, represtented by the Holy Rollin' Goenitz versus evil portrayed by the demonic Heidern! Come, my children, that's you three CYS, aid me in the Lord Orochi's work! Gimme a Hail Goenitz!  
  
Chris, Shermie and Yashiro all look at each other for a minute. They then join Heidern and Leona, and all five jump in and rush the bizzare wannabe preacher. Goenitz is hurt pretty badly by loads of punches, kicks and various special moves.  
  
Goenitz- AAH! That's not fair! My children are traitors! OWW! Not my balls, please WAAH! Blasphemous sinners! AIIEE!  
  
This vicious beating goes on for a good twenty minutes before Heidern finally finishes him with a "Final Bringer" DM, which seriously weakens him.  
  
Goenitz- My lord has abandoned me! Well FUCK YOU Orochi! I hope the rest of your worshippers convert to the Athenaism faith!  
  
Chris- Shouldn't have said that. Orochi's gonna be pissed.  
  
Goenitz- Who cares, I... AAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEE!  
  
The power of Orochi himself comes down and engulfs the Holy Rollin' Goenitz, destroying him. There's just a skeleton in a charred suit.  
  
Leona- At least we don't have to bother giving him to the Southtown Police department. There too soft on criminals.  
  
CYS(all together happy)- The crazy old bastard's dead! HOORAY! Thanks Orochi!  
  
Yashiro- Now, let's go loot all his money and drugs.  
  
CYS- YEAH!  
  
They leave to steal from the late Goenitz. Heidern tries to call Ralf, to tell him he's in deep shit for missing a mission. The only response from the other end are male and female voices, shouting and moaning in pure 100% pleasure. They've obviously lost interest in "Party of Five".  
  
  
  
That concludes the Sermons of the Holy Rollin' Goenitz. And remember, the first two letters of Orochi spell "OR". The late preacher would like you to think about that. 


End file.
